I don’t know what’s worse; the surgery itself or the time spent constantly thinking about it before it happens. The obsessive reading of various forum posts, looking for people who have dealt with this situation before. Google image searches to see if I can find pictures of exactly what we are seeing. Reading studies to see if I can gain insight on what to expect…and having to look up at least three words in each paragraph. After reading the paragraph three or four times trying to make sure I understood it correctly. Posting on forums or Facebook groups myself to see if I can get assurance that Oskar’s going to be okay. And having to tell people what’s happening.

Oskar has a fairly wide social circle as he’s such a friendly dog. He has two different groups of dog friends that he sees regularly, each of which comes with at least 1 owner. There are a lot of pandemic puppies in our village so most of the dogs we know are pretty young. There is a confidence in youth that all of us owners seem to have. Whilst most of us have lost an older dog at some point, none of us have dealt with any serious conditions in such a young dog. Any of them getting life altering diagnosis tends to burst that safety bubble we all have been living in.

We have also been dealing with a possible CCL tear during all of this. One morning Oskar was significantly favouring his left hind leg. He wouldn’t put any weight on it when he’s first get up and would shift his weight to his right side when standing. I saw him drag his toe a bit and immediately has flashes of our previous Golden Retriever who had a complete CCL tear when she was 10 years old. Our vet saw us a couple hours after we saw him limp and the vet thought it was a possible incomplete CCL tear. He was on minimal activity the three weeks to hopefully allow it to heal and we are just now starting to add a bit more time to each of his walks to try to build up to his pre-injury activity level.

Oskar is a big fan of eye contact. Any time he doesn’t know exactly what we are doing, he follows us around and looks into our eyes waiting for some clue on what great fun is about to be had. He also loves to sit and stare into our eyes in the evenings when it’s cuddle time. He’s an oxytocin addict and he’s managed to get us hooked on it as well. I’m so worried that is going to change after he loses his eye. Will his still get that oxytocin flood when he looks into our eyes? Will his still demand our undivided attention? I find myself looking at that white spot and feeling guilty. Like I failed to protect him like I should. I have one job and that’s to keep him safe and healthy. I have failed him completely.